What Is the Enneagram — and Why I Use It

I was first introduced to the Enneagram while I was teaching. A school guidance counselor mentioned it in passing, and out of curiosity, I started to research. I started with Jen Hatmaker’s podcast episode, For the Love…of the Enneagram and later read a fantastic book called, The Road Back to You.

What surprised me wasn’t the system itself—it was the relief.

For the first time, I had language for things that had felt abstract and personal for years. The Enneagram helped normalize differences in the most important relationship in my life, giving words and clarity where there had mostly been confusion. What once felt overwhelming or threatening began to make sense. I realized my behaviors—and the behaviors of the people closest to me—weren’t random or “too much.” They were patterned. Human. Shared.

The Enneagram didn’t tell me who I was. It helped me understand how I was showing up.

That understanding softened fear. It made other people’s actions less scary. And it gave me a way to hold both myself and others with more compassion.

So, What Is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a framework for understanding personality patterns—specifically, the motivations, fears, and strategies that shape how we move through the world.

It describes nine common ways people tend to relate to themselves, others, and their environment. These aren’t boxes or labels, but patterns that help explain why we react the way we do, especially under stress or pressure.

What I appreciate about the Enneagram is that it doesn’t focus first on behavior. It looks beneath behavior—at what’s driving it. When those underlying motivations become visible, people often experience clarity and relief rather than judgment.

At its best, the Enneagram gives us language for what has already been happening inside us—and offers a place to begin paying attention with more honesty and compassion.

What the Enneagram Is — and What It Isn’t

For me, the Enneagram is a way of understanding how personality shows up in the world.

It helps explain why two people can be standing in the same moment, experiencing the same situation, and walk away with completely different reactions. It gives language to patterns—how we respond under stress, how we protect ourselves, how we relate to others—so those patterns don’t stay invisible.

I see the Enneagram as a starting point for self-reflection. Once learning begins, it becomes a kind of mirror—something I return to over time to notice growth, setbacks, and choice. It is not something I use to pin myself, or anyone else, into a fixed identity.

Just as important is what I don’t believe the Enneagram is.

I don’t believe it is concrete or rigid. Human beings are fluid. Under stress especially, we don’t always “look like” our type. That doesn’t mean the Enneagram has failed—it means we’re human.

I don’t believe the Enneagram is a rule book or an excuse. It’s not a way to say, “This is just how I am.” If anything, it often reveals how we may be coming across without realizing it—and invites us to choose differently.

And I don’t believe it replaces faith, wisdom, or responsibility. It isn’t a fortune teller or a shortcut. It’s a tool—one that can support growth across many areas of life, including relationships, work, personal development, and spiritual formation—but it must be held with care.

When used well, the Enneagram doesn’t make us more self-critical.
It makes us more aware—and more compassionate.

How I Use the Enneagram With Others

When I work with someone using the Enneagram, I’m not listening for a number first.
I’m listening for curiosity.

Are they interested in learning about themselves?
Are they open to noticing patterns without immediately judging them?
Is there an area of life—relationships, work, or inner life—where they want to show up differently?

That posture matters more to me than accuracy.

I pay less attention to whether a single behavior perfectly matches a type description. Human beings are fluid. Context matters. Stress changes how we show up. The Enneagram isn’t meant to explain every action or moment—it’s meant to offer guidance, not rules.

What I care most about is this:
Can someone identify a familiar thought or behavior pattern, recognize how they contribute to it, and realize they have a choice?

That’s where growth begins.

When that happens, people often find they can be better understood—by themselves and by others. Conversations soften. Reactivity decreases. Compassion increases. And self-awareness becomes something supportive rather than heavy.

My hope is that people leave this work feeling more:

• centered

• grounded

• aligned

• compassionate

• understood

If the Enneagram does anything else before it does that, then it’s moving too fast.

My Intent and My Guardrails

I care deeply about this work being done well.

One of the reasons I enjoy sharing the Enneagram is that insight can happen quickly. There’s often an immediate moment of recognition—“Oh. That explains so much.” I find that moment inspiring, both for the person experiencing it and for me as a guide.

But immediacy doesn’t mean urgency.

I’m protective of pace. I don’t believe growth needs to be rushed, and I don’t believe people need to be pushed into awareness they aren’t ready to hold. I also don’t believe the Enneagram is helpful for everyone at every stage. For those who are highly self-critical or resistant to self-reflection, it can feel more painful than supportive.

That doesn’t mean the tool is wrong—but timing and care matter.

I’m also careful not to let the Enneagram become something it isn’t. It’s not a fortune-telling device. It’s not a substitute for faith, wisdom, or discernment. And it’s not meant to override someone’s lived experience.

If someone walks away from my work feeling more self-critical, then I haven’t communicated well—or encouraged rightly. That’s on me.

A Gentle Invitation

I use the Enneagram because it has helped me understand myself with more honesty and more compassion—and because I’ve seen it help others do the same.

If you’re curious about how you show up in the world…
If you want language for patterns you’ve sensed but haven’t been able to name…
If you’re interested in growth that is thoughtful, relational, and paced…

Then I’d be glad to explore that with you.

No pressure. No fixing. Just curiosity, care, and room to grow.